i am selfish

India’s youngest rape suspect charged for raping a 6yr old..
Times of India, 1st page.
This is the kind of news we wake up to, don’t we?

I wake up to a thought of giving up everything. I wake up realizing that this is not how I want to live. What should I do about it? Put it right. What do I do? I contemplate while brushing my teeth and then flush it down, get dressed, guzzle down some milk, run and catch the 6.30 metro so that I can reach the college field to do some physical exercises and study thereafter.

Every evening while finishing dinner I try to summarize the day in the best possible way.
I try to recollect what I learned the whole day, what benefits me. I realize that I am pushed deeper into the shell. I chuck the thought and talk on the phone. With a light head I go to bed.

As usual I went to bed last night. I got no sleep neither was my head as light. I woke up before the blaring alarm had a chance to further unsettle me, only to find our very religious guests praying. I saw them seek fulfillment.

I see everybody chase fulfillment of every kind, aims, hopes and love etc. Senses of fulfillment perhaps bring sleep to them! I seek emptiness.

This noise from the road, the light that blinded me when I put it on and the sight of my bag ready to be dragged along choked me. I went to the balcony to gasp lungful of fresh early morning city air. No relief. I tried to harness my racing mind, I concentrated on the chirping of the birds and thought of the day ahead. Worse.

What do I want? I want silence, the emptiness, the weightlessness of body and thought. I want no feelings to creep in, a null situation. I don’t want to care if the seconds on the clock tick past the time I need to catch the metro. I don’t want to pretend to like what I am doing and I want everybody to around me to accept this. Isn’t that too much ask for? I am too selfish.

The nation is independent. It is democratic. We, the people of India have the freedom of speech, expression and God knows what else. Is the society (refer oxford English dictionary) as democratic, leave alone independent? Who is going to accept what I feel and want, asking for help and support is too much. Am I free?

Do you think I am insane? Well, think again then.
Don’t I ask too much, first your attention to read what I want to say and then understand and accept me the way I am?

I put my pen down and wind myself ready to live a life!
Good day!